The Force is Provoked


The Force is Provoked

Aaron Sommers reviews The Force Awakens and wonders if and how The Force was asleep for so long. If so, he wonders who slipped The Force a Mickey and if that person had low cholesterol.

Alright. So I spent an afternoon last week ambling into our local Regal without any doubts a showing of The Force Awakens would scroll within 30 min of my arrival. Sure enough, I only had to wait 20 minutes until one screen (in 3-D no less) started up (again).

Just enough time to wander into the Toys R’ Us and marvel at it all. Before I brought anything up to the register, however, showtime was upon me.

More like 20 minutes of trailers. All I have to say about those waste of time I will never get back is: Independence Day Part II. The Aliens are Bigger. Angrier. Still look fake, though. Also, explain why they want Earth so bad. Tell me that and I might see it.

And when all the nostalgia got mixed up, with all the expectations, anticipations and hype, I nearly forgot how much Harrison Ford was out of breath. Somebody get him a carbonite inhaler.

Pros:

Rey is a character with greater depth and better dialogue than anything Lucas conjured up since Reagan was in the Oval Office.

  • Better dogfights than any of the prequels.

  • JJ Abrams tipped the hat but resisted the camp.
  • Rey. Daisy . The chick rocks.

Cons:

  • Kylo Ren wears a mask more fitting for an emo samurai than an evil dude.
  • Harrison Ford
    Han Solo smuggles in some laxatives…

    looked as fit as Jabba the Hut, with less flab but the same Machiavellian-living-style that leaves scars, or at least leaves you Out of Breath All the Time.

  • Lot’s of undeveloped characters, afterthoughts or too many chefs in the kitchen.
  • Case in point: Captain Phasma has a name best suited for an “As Seen on TV” Window Cleaning product
    Captain Phasma going casual.

    .

  • Despite some Big Productions, Supreme Commander Snoke appeared less supreme and commanding than Vader on his worst day. Snoke needs a new name and a better projector. The good money is Snoke is actually a an old Jedi whose fallen out of favor, and happens to be the size of a postage stamp.
  • We didn’t need a literal cliffhanger, did we?

 

Grade: 

The Phantom Menace (Silent but Deadly)

We’re around two weeks out from the release of The Force Awakens. Before I talk about that movie, let’s agree the title bookends nicely with –if you had a library full of books about flatulence (which, I might add, would make for an interesting episode of “Book Talk” on C-SPAN).

Let’s remember all the mega-hype that surrounded those prequels and everything in or near the presence of that miasma. Because the Phantom Menace was–is–a movie that is so painfully mediocre it makes the viewer feel at and jabba. There’s not much to review, because it’s  green screen, lifeless dialogue and actors with little talent or inspiration to go on. Basically, it just sucks.Yeah. Episode One was a let-down and even geeks who can’t agree on the lyrics to the Ewok Song in Return of the Jedi agree on that point.

No news there.

The other prequels in the Trilogy didn’t fare much better. I think you could make the argument things got worse, with some bogus story of how Anakin Skywalker became evil, or chose evil, or was forced to choose evil, or chose what he thought was somewhere between good and evil, because he wanted to bring Padme back to life is what happens when George Lucas loses his mind.

But there’s a new director on board for The Force Awakens

And we have Han Solo and Leia, back from Century Village.

And we have Boba Fett (probably) somewhere.

And we’ll always have that golden bikini, won’t we George?

May the Schwartz be With Ya!